The Black Book of Haphazard Reminders
by junemary
Summary: Ever wondered how Tsuna survived the Mafia World despite his timid personality? Lo and behold, he owns a black book (does Reborn know?) in which it holds correspondence on how to deal with overly-happy, blood-thirsty and irritating mafioso around him. The do's and don't's, the nevers and always' and the escape-on-outburst and the guidelines on threatening. TYL!Setting.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Merely wrote out of fun. Hope no one will be insulted. **

**Warning: Wrote on a whim. The grammar and spelling are not checked.**

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**THE BLACK BOOK OF HAPHAZARD REMINDERS  
**_**I greatly value my life and these notes lengthens it. **_

_**Entry 1-7: MY GUARDIANS**_

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**Never ever insult pineapples in front of Rokudo Mukuro.**

"The pineapple head started it!"

"It rained pineapples yesterday."

"TWO, no THREE TRUCKS OF PINEAPPLES CAME IN YESTERDAY!"

"Pineapple hot fudge, pineapple cake, pineapple roll ups, pineapple meringue, pineapple jello, pineapple pudding, THE KITCHEN MIGHT TURN TO PINEAPPLE IF WE DON'T DO ANYTHING!"

"Pineapples!"

"Pineapple's are for herbivores."

"Jyuudaime, I think it has to do with the hair. I think we should trim it down."

_I thanked myself for not responding anything to what Gokudera had said or else I might have been also subjected to the mental torment my guardians are experiencing right now. Even Yamamoto who only merely (and he meant no harm) said 'pineapples!' got nightmares about The Great Pineapple Flood._

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**Never ever insult non-existent UMA's in front of Gokudera Hayato**.

"I told you! The Kappa did it!"

"Gokudera, Giannini invented something that makes orange juice. It spilled on the corridor."

"But the footprints, Jyuudaime!"

"Footprints? Those were smudges made by the robot."

"No! They fit-!"

"Does this kappa eat meat?"

"No. They never harm anyone."

"Then they do not exist for the weak isn't fit to walk in the earth."

"Maa, maa, Hayato, it is one those UMA's right? Give it a rest. They're not real."

_Then the room was bombed six ways to Sunday. It took me about a million Euros to repair the room and about a billion Euros to 'reanimate' a real-as-possible kappa to appease Gokudera. As for the details, don't ask. I don't want to remember it. _

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**Never ever insult Bob Marley in front of Bovino Lambo.**

"FOR THE LOVE OF PRIMO, WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR?!"

"The afro got heavy."

"But that's not enough reason t- t- to turn it l- l- like that!" was said then being followed by a series of snickers.

"Lambo,"

"Okay, okay. I found Bob Marley really awesome!"

"Since when did you like reggae?"

"Ever since I visited Kingston and saw his statue!"

"Oh yes," someone whistled, "The guy Medusa."

_And indeed all the men were stoned, not to death but to fright about what Lambo did that day. I don't want exactly remembered what happened but all I remembered is that the next day, Bob Marley memorabilia's were scattered all around the mansion. And Lambo was all smiles. But my other guardians were seriously avoiding him. _

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**Never ever insult yellow boxers in front of Sasagawa Ryohei.**

"Who owns that boxer?" someone pointed it in a pile of laundry.

"I do. What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing really. Just too sunny to be worn inside."

"Oh."

"You know, a man's boxers are mostly blue, black or gray in stripes, chequered or plain."

"Sawada wears pink boxers with hearts."

"He was a _guy _back then. Not a man."

"Oh? So you see what kind of boxers he uses now?"

"Of course not!" with a blush.

Silence.

"What I'm trying to say is that yellow boxers are—"

_That's all the correspondence I got from what happened after one of my guardians (I greatly respect my guardian's privacy that he doesn't want the others to know his demise so I didn't wrote his name) regained consciousness after being flown outside the mansion by my Sun Guardian. As for boxers, I made an order to wear neon boxers (much to Mukuro's and Hibari's dismay). _

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**Never insult mythology (especially one-eyed gods) in front of Chrome Dokuro. **

"Lambo, I'll be your tutor since Rain man is with cold."

"Really, Chrome-nee?"

The mist nodded.

"So, what lesson do you want to start?"

"Mythology. Sheesh. Why do I need to deal with this crap?"

"You're a student, Lambo."

"It's pathetic actually."

"Tell me about it."

"How do you think Odin ruled Asgard with only one eye? He'll be blind still even if it's for knowledge and wisdom. I mean, who wants to trade an eye for it?"

"You're really hungry for information, aren't you, Lambo?"

_No further correspondence needed. Chrome made Lambo know. _

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**Never ever insult Squalo in front of Yamamoto Takeshi.**

"That bastard should audition for soprano contests."

"I don't think my eardrums will hold."

"I can't believe a short tempered person like Xanxus can tolerate Squalo."

"Hn. A herbivorous shark."

"Sqaulo-nii should take a break from shouting."

_And Yamamoto smiled a smile that rivals Byakuran. And temper that rivals that of mine's (as Reborn would put it) when angry. The tantrum he had that day…well… after that my guardians find a new kind of respect in Superbi Squalo. I don't what happened but no one would speak of it. Should I consider myself lucky? Chrome thinks so too. _

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**Never ever insult EVERYTHING he does, say and acts in front of Hibari Kyoya.**

_The correspondence note would take too long for me to synthesize. Besides, I am reminded everyday to fear crossing blades with him. Everyone knows that. Heck, maybe even the world knows that. Maybe even the universe. Maybe even God himself._

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_**A/N:**__ I know, I know. I should be updating my other stories. But I can't get this out of my head. _

_Review please?_


	2. Chapter 2

**THE BLACK BOOK OF HAPHAZARD REMINDERS  
**_**I greatly value my life and these notes lengthens it. **_

_**Entry 8: VARIA  
Unlike my guardians, they go for the kill. I SHOULD NEVER EVER NOT LET MY GUARD DOWN WHEN FACING THEM.**_

_**8.1.) VARIA Boss: XANXUS**_

_**Things to bring when meeting him: **__Steak (Mondays, medium rare), Ram (Tuesdays, well-done), Veal (Wednesdays, medium well), Back ribs (Thursdays, over-cooked), and Pork (Fridays, medium well). Thank God there are no meetings at Saturdays and Sundays. Oh and DEER for Bester (All days, raw)._

_Correspondence: His love for meat surpasses Hibari's carnivore state. Meat for him is like a drug. No meat, he goes to withdrawal. AND that is NIGHTMARE. Normally, withdrawals are spasms and the like but to Xanxus, it's destroying the Varia HQ. And that is bad news for Vongola's pockets. _

_**Not to talk in his presence: **__His defeat in the Ring Conflict._

_**Warning signals: **__When his hands are on his pockets (clearly he is fishing out his guns), __surrender immediately while there is still time__. When he glares, postpone the meeting immediately. AND NEVER EVER WAKE HIM UP JUST FOR A 'FUCKING AND SHITTY MEETING' (his words, not mine). AND NEVER TURN DOWN WHEN HE 'REQUESTS' FOR A BATTLE (more like demanded)._

_**8.2.) VARIA Second-in-Command: Squalo**_

_**Things to bring when meeting him: **__EAR PLUGS REDEFINED (the one invented by Spanner to EXCLLUSIVELY block Squalo's voice. Not entirely block but the ear plugs will automatically adjust to the lowest possible volume my ear can manage)_

_**Not to talk in his presence: **__Hmmm, you can talk anything to him as long as you WEAR THE EAR PLUGS REDEFINED._

_**Warning signals: **__Keep out of his 'waving' hands. It might cut you to two. Retreat when he and Xanxus start fighting._

_**8.3.) VARIA Sun Guardian: Lussuria**_

_**Things to bring when meeting him (err, her?): **__Set of nail polish (preferably the MOST EXPENSIVE of all), Make-up kit and hair stylists (I don't know how but every time he, err she steps out of the salon, nothing is changed with her hairstyle. Nah, who cares about his, err her hair).  
__**note: **__**LEAVE CHROME AT HOME OR SEND HER TO A MISSION OR GIVE HER AND HIBARI A DAY OFF. **_

_Correspondence: Last Winter, Lussuria threw a fit when Chrome is flocked by guys in the ball. He, err she kept on saying that Chrome stole the spotlight from him, err her. She then asked a duel with Chrome IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BALLROOM! And I have never been thankful that Hibari-san is attending the party since he took Chrome home (and oddly enough since he didn't bite someone to death that night). And ah, well, that is a different correspondence (Chrome's and Hibari's that is, refer to Entry: Relationships within Vongola HQ). _

_**Not to talk in his presence: **__How beautiful girls are (Lussuria is insecure with other woman). _

_**8.4.) VARIA Lightning Guardian: Levi**_

_**OUTSTANDING NOTE TO SELF ABOUT LEVI: **__Xanxus. Xanxus. Xanxus. Xanxus. His entire being practically worshipped XANXUS. As long as I don't insult, defeat, order Xanxus, I'll probably make it out of the Varia HQ alive (probably because the others might do the harming process)._

_**8.5.) VARIA Storm Guardian: Belphegor**_

_**Things to bring when meeting him: **__None. But I have to bring Gokudera (with Uri) to keep out Minx from growling at the table and disturbing the meeting and stopping Xanxus from firing Minx to Kingdom Come._

_**Not to talk in his presence: **__His twin brother (?). (I don't know, I haven't tried talking to him about his brother and got the chills. But, it's better safe than sorry.) _

_**Warning signals: **__HE LIKES PRANKS. SO MENTAL NOTE, BE ALERT WHENEVER HE IS THE ONE WHO IS TASKED TO PREPARE THE ROOM FOR THE MEETING OR ELSE EVERYONE WILL BE MINCE MEAT._

_**8.6.) VARIA Cloud Guardian: none**_

_And boy am I glad for it. Xanxus set high-standards for the Cloud Guardian position. Anyone who would like to fill in the position had to battle TWENTY King Mosca's. As far as I know, Spanner has been doing rapid innovations for King Mosca's design since he is getting MORE AND MORE data thanks to Xanxus. Heck, last time I checked, King Mosca's level is Byakuran-level. I wonder how monstrous King Mosca is now (maybe on par with God?). I don't even want to try it myself. No thanks._

_**8.7.) VARIA Mist Guardian: Mammon**_

_**Things to bring when meeting him: **__EXAGGERATED PAYCHECK (but in reality, cut off SIX zeroes)._

_**Not to talk in his presence: **__DEBTS (and there are a lot of them. Mental note: cut-off little by little so he won't notice)._

_Correpondence: He loves to sleep in the bed of cash. Give him a normal bed and he throws a child-like tantrum (not by crying but by wailing up to Squalo's level and that is bad news). _

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_**A/N: Wrote this in detention hall. And I was like, wow my head is functioning WAY BETTER here than at home. So? Review?**_


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